My friends are the loml (1)

my sister in law asks me if i can take on a bigger role in her daughter’s life because she needs more women in her life, more examples of the different ways that exists to live life, the “unconventional” paths you can take in life, because i am 30 and unmarried and working six different jobs because i hated having just one that was in an office.

i say yes, even though i am 30 and heartbroken for the hundredth time and worried i might have to move back in with my parents if my six different jobs don’t start making me more money soon, like very very soon, and I don’t feel like I am anywhere close to being a good example of any way to live life.

my nephew is about to go off to college and asks me if my first job, the one after my economics degree, the one in an office I hated, paid me well and i say yes, yes i never had to think twice about whether i had the money to order food or go to hawaii next month on a whim but he doesn't ask me why i quit, he doesn't ask why i wasn't happy and i want to scream at him you were dealt a good hand, a really fucking good hand, you’re even white and straight and cis and a man, so dont you dare squander your good fortune, and think, for a second, about more than paying for a gaming console and flights far from your life and make sure to build one you don’t want to leave instead.

but i dont scream my insides out because in the same breath he asks if i think women should have male friends because he doesn't and shows me a tiktok of andrew tate and explains to me how no one gets that he’s just being funny and screaming just doesn’t seem like it’s going to cut it anymore.

instead, i call up my niece and finally invite her over for dinner.

my 15 year old niece comes over for dinner and tells me she didn’t want to tell her teachers about the boy who groped her at school because she knew they wouldn’t believe her and my heart sinks because that’s how young they know.

she asks me if boys get better with age and i tell her to surround herself with women who build each other up and I silently pray that she’s built to love one because somehow sometimes being queer seems easier than loving men these days.

i tell her my friends are the love of my life even though my friends today have known me less than a year.

i tell her to pick them well though, because being friends with women who center men in their lives has caused me more heartbreak than dating men.
i tell her the when you know you know crap isn’t crap when it’s people who don’t care about seeing your boobs,
i tell her the move heaven and earth for love crap isn’t crap when it’s about hugging someone you can bare your soul to while staying fully clothed,
and i tell her the finding the boy of her life crap is actually a scam

because how could one boy love you as much as 2 or 3 or 10 friends that won’t leave you for better but will introduce you to better,
always,
always,
always.