November 29, 2023
i am going to change my narrative around not enough. around wanting more. around... you know that frustration at the end of an enthralling book series or perfect vacation or short but intense summer romance?
how about it’s not frustration?
how about it’s-
-wonder. awe. glee!
after all, the only reason i’m left with such a feeling is because the entirety of my being blushed at the experience. my toes, my nose, the hairs on my arm.
so of course i want more.
and i want more of wanting more.
more moments that age my face 5 years in one night-by the time i’m 40, i want the smile lines of my grandma.
more mornings waking up giddy, already trying to plan when i can do yesterday all over again and coming up empty.
more times sitting on my couch and randomly remembering that kiss that never turned to more and feeling my stomach PANG and having a smile burst on my face and wondering where they are now.
more new friends that i get overly excited about making future plans with and make me ache when thinking of the work it’ll take to mesh a bunch of 30 year olds’ lives together.
more stupid 3am bike rides i deeply regret when i cycle back hungover the next day, yet would do all over again if they hadn’t moved away.
more hugs-i think that’s what i miss most about relationships. having hugs-a-plenty.
long hugs. what a wonder hugs are.
more of this nostalgia that fills me as this year slowly slips away from me and i start doing things for the last time here, in this time, at this age.
more leaving a concert or a festival and feeling this deep almost painful desire to be behind the scenes, part of this act of creating,
more feeling sad and awful that i was just a spectator to a mindblowingly joyful experience.
more nights that turn into anecdotes i tell over and over to relive them again and again until i’ve drained all the magic out of them.
this yearning- i used to hate this yearning! used to feel such frustration at the lack of more
used to think it was bad,
used to think it was lack.
now i’m obsessed with it.
i’ve had something i want more of,
and that is gooooood!
how wonderful it is
to once have tasted
something i now yearn for?
I am no shrink or life expert. In fact life throws me a lot of lemons. But I'm pretty good at making lemonade, being resilient and (I've been told) giving advice. So, if you need an outsider's perspective, I'm here! On love & relationships, on family issues, on work, on anything really. I'll give you my take and maybe (hopefully) it'll help. 100% anonymous of course.